Posts by gurdeepmattu

I’m an author and publisher. I live and work in London and am the author of “Sons and Fascination” (2011, Paperbooks). It's available here: http://amzn.to/eaTVCx

Mattress Watch

So many mattresses on the street. In the middle of the street, on the corners. Dumped, folded, crooked up and sat awkward. Each one a soul, maybe two, and then all change. Why do people obsess about changing the mattress? They’ll use the same sofa, same kitchen, same furniture. But change the mattress! So they go out on the street, the sign of rentiers extracting their blood like the leeches they are. Fuck you, mattress dumpers!

Review : Kanga Roos & Kefir Drink

Hello.  A brace of reviews, hold tight.

First up is Toad-Ally Snax Kanga Roos, which are chocolate coated pretzel nuggets that feature an interior butter pouch.  Hopefully you can see the connection between the naming of the snack and the design: kangaroos, in the wild, have ‘pouches’.  These particular ‘kanga roo snax’ have been tamed and filled with peanut butter goodness.  Thus nature is subverted to the will of Man.

They are actually quite nice : inoffensive chocolate and crispy salt pretzel that is then overpowered by the sweet/salt umami of peanut butter.  One or two is enough and then you feel a bit sick.

kangroos2kefir

Also sampled was Kefir, now bottled and flavoured with (in this instance) ‘honey and mint’.  Kefir is fermented milk, and it comes from the family that gives us lassi and so on.  It’s an acquired taste, and this flavoured style is a bit like mango lassi – it’s lassi for people who would rather be drinking chocolate milk or some sort.  So, its fine, but really, you might as well just have a honey mint yazoo as the pro-active bacteria in something this size isn’t really going to be hugely helpful, and no doubt food safety regulations mean anything halfway helpful has been neutered.

I enjoyed it, but that enjoyment was tempered with many conflicting feelings, much like you might summarize my entire life so far.  I fear this is the path I am on until death, and after death, it will be too late to change.

Boomer Hypocrisy

I think it is one of the things that I’ll never really get used to, is the sheer chutzpah of boomer hypocrisy. There is this sense of ‘do as I say, not as I do/did’ that rankles at every turn. Every ‘cost-cutting’ measure or statute of limitations or benefit denied. And yes of course, these were enjoyed in lavish quantities by the generation setting down the laws. They do it from their lofty positions of seniority and power : this is for everyone’s benefit, they say! Make do with less. Do more, with less (the myth of productivity).

Basically, boomers, go fuck yourselves.

Poem: “(Not) Out of Date Galaxies”

I wrote a short poem about my out of date Galaxy Cookie Crumble from WHSMITH in Coventry Station. I bought it for one pound, same as it costs IN DATE at Tescos and other leading supermarkets

Here are some pictures:

O Galaxy Cookie Crumble
How I love to eat you when my
Stomach rumbles
On the slowpoke
London Midland train
from Coventry To London Euston.
Rain
Falls now

Through darkening skies
And we cling to each other
Your pink foil and cookie pieces
Your out of date slightly stale structure
Coat my hunger
There is a rupture
From reality!
For a few seconds — then I realise
I am alone and soon I will be dead

Review : Walkers Lime and Black Pepper

The vending machine here at the Westwood Centre for Teacher Education (Warwick University) is a real blast from the past. Some classics : Fry’s Peppermint Cream, a Nestlé Crunch bar, a row of Rio canned fruit juice. It appears to have been stocked completely at random by a British office worker. It also featured one of Walker’s use it or lose it campaign with new flavours. The lime here is weak and reedy – like a dilute cordial – and the pepper also weak and chemical-tinged. Let’s be honest : this is mass-produced food as chemical engineering, and it shows. Pleasant enough but it seeks to replace Salt and Vinegar – not a chance, buddy.

2/5

Review: Chocolate Buddy Smooth Peanut Butter Cups

I picked these up from Sainsbury’s.  L and I were wandering the aisles looking for novelty in consumer form, one of my favourite activities and something I find genuinely gratifying, if a little hollowed out.  There is probably something wrong with me deep down, something unfulfilled (I always wanted to live by the sea; I also feel perhaps I could have been a sailor?).  In any case these sugary snacks were chosen to fill the gaping wound that is modern urban life.

choco_buddy

They are not good.  Neither one thing or the other, it isn’t praline enough to be a smooth praline and the hazelnut overtones interfere with the artificial earthy peanut taste so beloved of fans of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.  These pay homage to those vaulted kings of the luxury chocolate snack aisle, but in the same way that a long poo is an homage to a lovely meal.  They don’t even have that little black bit of paper lining to make them seem posher than the Yorkie that you put down right before you picked this up.

Avoid these if you can.

2/10